


Tomorrow

by krissyxlove



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Happy Ending, M/M, Optimism, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-05-06 19:41:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14654802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krissyxlove/pseuds/krissyxlove
Summary: "Tomorrow," Phil breathes the word out as he looks up at the sky."It's a good word isn't it? I think it's my favourite.""Why is that?""Because if I made a list of reasons to kill myself today it would be long and seemingly unending. However, if I were to compile a list of reasons to live there would only be one. That one reason would be tomorrow. Tomorrow will always come, even though it is not guaranteed. It's a new dawn, it's a new day. It's a new opportunity to feel good or even anything at all. Tomorrow scares you though, doesn't it Phil?"





	Tomorrow

When Dan's mind won't stay still, neither will his feet. He's gotten into the habit of walking to refresh and clear his mind. These days, more often than not, he finds his feet moving before his mind can even catch up. 

The chill in the mid-Autumn air feels fresh on his face and brings his senses back to life. Dan inhales deeply and exhales with a small huff. He's trying to place exactly what's brought his mind to this restless state but he comes up empty handed. 

One week. He's been taking this same path for one week now. He likes it because no one ever wanders this beaten path so he's never been bothered. It's relaxing and reassuring in a way to know that even if he disappeared no one would venture this way to find him.

 _Morbid thoughts._

No one knows his thoughts and no one knows he thinks this way because to the public eye he's nothing but average. He smiles, he laughs, and he continues to press on in this world seemingly happy and un-bothered. To this forgotten road however he is who he truly is--and that happens to be absolutely nothing. He is free to mope around and be himself because no one will see him. He could run away and never look back and the only people who will ever see him again are the other lost souls who dare to journey these depths. One thought keeps him alive though. One thought keeps him grounded to this path and that is the ever pressing guarantee of tomorrow. 

_Optimism._

Optimism is the key that keeps Dan Howell's world still turning even after it feels like the people who reside there have come to a halt. There's one positive thought, one positive person, one positive voice. That voice, that person, that thought is what keep his feet moving forward until he finally clears the dense population of trees onto the other side, _the brighter side_. 

There's a bridge past the clearing. It's old and worn out but it's still reliable. 

It's reliable in being unpredictable. 

There's someone on the bridge. Tall, thin, and on the outside of the barricade. They are holding onto the flimsy barrier between life and uncertainty with a tight grip on reality. Dan thinks if they really wanted to end their life they wouldn't be holding on. Dan thinks he is unsure if he would hold on or not. 

When he takes a step on the old bridge he isn't trying to interrupt this person or even really trying to be noticed by them, but the creak in the wood makes the person holding on for dear life turn. His eyes are wide though it's hard to see in the moonlight. Dan tries to breeze past the figure but something stops him. A thought. The thought of what if. What if this man really is going to jump if no one saves him? 

Dan sighs a little as he carefully climbs over the bridge's railings to join the other person. 

Now that he is up close he can see this man looks sad. He looks sad and tired but he still smiles as Dan joins him on the right. His face is pale, or maybe he is just pale. His jet black hair is contrasted harshly against his complexion but it also makes his blue eyes seem so much brighter. Dan sees the sun within those eyes and it warms his chest just a little as he gives a small smile in return. 

Dan is holding on but it's much looser than the man next to him. He knows now for sure if he really put his mind to it, he could let go. However, he knows if he lets go now there would be someone letting go with him and he does not want that burden. Instead, he decides to strike up a conversation. 

"Hey," Dan breathes out.

There's a quiet "Hey," in response. It's almost inaudible and it is also shaky. 

"It's kind of nice out, but a little chilly don't you think?" Dan tries. He doesn't even know why he is trying, but something inside him is. It's probably the one positive person within his own personal world shouting into the void: _'help him, help yourself'_. 

"I like the cold. It means snow is coming soon," The man quietly responds. His voice sounds a little washed out, likes he's been crying. He's definitely been crying. 

"Then why are you here if you want to see the snow?" 

There's a long pause. Dan loses count of the seconds and he forgets how many breaths he's taken since he even got here. How long has he been out? What time is it anyway? 

"I...I don't know," Is the response that finally comes out to the right of Dan. 

"What's your name?" Dan asks. 

"Phil." The response is almost immediate and it's the clearest response Dan has gotten from this entire interaction. 

"I'm Dan."

"Why are you out here, Dan?" Phil asks as a cold breeze swoops through his dark locks. 

"Thinking. What about you?" 

"Thinking." 

There is a long, awkward silence that follows that response. Dan has no idea how to react or even what to say. This situation is truly the blind leading the blind. How can someone who has very little hope of life lead someone else off the edge? Dan wonders what he can say or do. He wonders what is the right thing to say. Is there even a right thing to say? Dan is wondering as his mind is wandering before a voice pulls him back to reality. 

"Are you scared of heights?" Phil asks. When Dan turns he notices something he didn't before, Phil's hands are shaking. 

"No, not really. I'm scared of the dark and trees however." 

"Then why do you walk around forests at night?" 

"The same reason you are holding on the a bridge high above the water when you are clearly scared. I like the adrenaline. I like the feeling of my heart racing and reacting even if my brain doesn't. It's funny because even when my brain is numb, my heart still pounds. It's a little reminder that I am still here and if I leave I won't ever be able to feel again. I won't be able to fear again." Dan gives a small chuckle as he lets go with one arm. His heart reacts to the danger but a smile is still playfully plastered on his face.

"Why did you stop here? Do you even really care?" Phil asks with a heavy breath. There's something there within his voice but Dan can't quite grasp the emotion to pinpoint it. 

"Personally, I don't care. But as a person I do care. I think it's natural instinct, mate. What lead you out here?" 

"Instinct I guess." Phil shrugs.

"L’Appel du Vide," Dan says as he looks up to the night sky. It's clear out but the stars are still in hiding. Dan wishes he could still exist but be invisible to the world just like those stars. 

"What did you just call me?" Phil finally gives a weak chuckle. 

"Call of the void. It's this phenomena that even though we as humans are scared of heights we still have this urge to jump. Perhaps it's a coping mechanism. Do you feel stressed? Depressed?" 

"Maybe," Phil breathes out. Dan looks over to see Phil's grip tighten on the bridge as his knuckles go white.

"Do you really want to jump?" 

"No." 

"Well that's good because a fall form this distance wouldn't even kill you. It would immobile you at best. You would just be cold, in pain, and wet." 

"Would you jump, Dan?" Phil asks and Dan feels his grip on the barrier between life and uncertainty tighten. 

"No. Maybe tomorrow I would, but today I wouldn't." 

"Tomorrow," Phil breathes the word out as he looks up at the sky. 

"It's a good word isn't it? I think it's my favourite."

"Why is that?" 

"Because if I made a list of reasons to kill myself today it would be long and seemingly unending. However, if I were to compile a list of reasons to live there would only be one. That one reason would be tomorrow. Tomorrow will always come, even though it is not guaranteed. It's a new dawn, it's a new day. It's a new opportunity to feel good or even anything at all. Tomorrow scares you though, doesn't it Phil?"

Dan looks out the corner of his eye to see Phil nod. Dan then lifts one hand off his security and places it over Phil's shaking hand.

"Why am I scared of heights more than I am scared of dying?" Phil asks as his hand relaxes under Dan's. 

"The brain is a weird thing. Thoughts are a weird place. Is the reason you won't jump because you are scared of falling?" 

"I think so," Phil all but whispers.

"If you were to ask me why I am scared to jump I would say it's because I am scared of failure. I know realistically this fall wouldn't kill me. I also know that if I jump I would be failing myself. I wouldn't even learn from jumping. Will to live and all that bullshit."

"You are a confusing individual Dan," Phil laughs louder than before. There's a genuine sound to this laughter and there's even a tongue poking through his teeth as he turns to his right towards Dan. 

"I know. My brain can be messy and all over the place but hey look at that I made you laugh." Dan gives a wide, bright smile in return. He feels Phil's hand move from underneath his own as he feels a finger press into his dimple. "Oi, what are you doing?" Dan all but shrieks. "Who is the confusing one now!" 

Phil laughs as he slips his hand back under Dan's, re-gripping the barrier on the bridge once more. "Sorry, I just-instinct I think."

Dan feels his face heat up as a rosy patch is surely settling just under his dimple as it always does. His heart rate is increasing even though he doesn't feel scared anymore. "How long have you been out here?" Dan asks, trying to direct the conversation back to some form of normality. 

"About an hour. I was actually just about to leave before you came. Maybe I was about to jump before you came. I still don't know." 

"Do you still want to leave?" 

"Leave this bridge or this world?" Phil asks. 

"Both, I guess." Dan shrugged. 

"No, to both. This breeze feels nice. You can leave if you want to." 

"I don't have anywhere to be." 

Dan has no idea why he wants to stay, but he does. He does't even want to move his hand. He knows it's a little weird, actually, it's a lot of weird. He's out here in the middle of the night holding hands with a stranger as they both walk a fine line between life and uncertainty. Dan actually lied when he said a fall from this height wouldn't kill them because in reality he doesn't know. He just felt like maybe assuring Phil it wouldn't work would convince him to stay on this bridge, _with him_.

"What's the meaning of life, Dan?"

Dan takes a deep breath in before releasing a deep, almost dark chuckle. "If I had that answer I don't think I would be out here mate." 

There's a look of certain sadness on Phil's face at that response. Dan doesn't know why but he wants to make it better. 

"Let's talk about happiness. What makes you happy Phil?" 

"Video games I guess," Phil says lamely.

Dan's face lights up. "Video games make me happy too. What's your favourite?" 

"Final fantasy, Seven to be exact. Though I like them all. Well--all the one's I have played. Too many, too little time." 

"I'm quite fond of that one too. What's your favourite thing about them? What makes you lose yourself within the game?" Dan asks with his tone becoming more whimsical and happier as this conversation goes on. 

Phil's head tilts a little as he looks up to the sky as if it has answers. "The music. It's pretty." He finally breathes into the air.

"You know, I know how to play the piano. If you'd like I could play some music for you." Dan is spewing the words out before his brain can even stop him. 

Phil laughs at this sudden offer. "How do I know you won't lead me to some dodgy home to kill me?" 

Dan gives a hearty laugh in return. "You can't know that unless you follow. Besides at least that would be more of a guarantee of death rather than this bridge." 

"Touché. I forgot why I even came out here for a moment." 

The two turn to face each other with their hands still overlapping. Comfort. This is definitely what they both needed. There are bright smiles on both faces as all dark thoughts seem to spill out their minds and into the abyss. 

There's laughter. 

There's comfort.

_There's two wills to live._

"So, Phil, are you ready to get off this bridge now?" Dan asks finally moving his hand from atop of Phil's. He then gets back over the barrier and holds that same hand back out to help Phil to the other side. 

Phil grasps the hand as his smile lights up the sky more than the moon and any of the sleeping stars. "Yeah, I think I am."


End file.
